It’s OK If Your Kids Talk Back, Says Parenting Expert—Here’s How To Raise Strong Kids Who Stand Up For Themselves Respectfully

 

Many Parents Go To Lengths To Raise Kids Who Are Polite And Well-Mannered.

But, Your Kids Also Have To Learn To Stand Up For Themselves, Even If It Means Voicing Disagreement Or Displeasure In A Way That Might Seem Disrespectful To Someone Else, Says Reem Raouda, An Author And Certified Conscious Parenting Coach. Teaching Your Child The Importance Of Self-Advocacy, And Giving Them The Space To Practice It Without Fear Of Reprisal, Will Help Them Develop The Self-Esteem They’ll Need To Become A Confident, Successful Adult Who Isn’t Afraid

To Give Voice To Their Needs And Opinions, She Says.

“A Child’s Dignity — Their Thoughts, Their Beliefs, How They Feel — Is Just Monumental Compared To Their Obedience,” Raouda Says, Adding: “We Want Them To Be Confident. We Want Them To Speak Up.”

Actor Dax Shepard Recently Discussed Catching Some Flak For Encouraging His Two Daughters To “Talk Back” To Their Parents And Other Adults, Because He Wants Them To Feel Comfortable Standing Up For Themselves, He Said On A Recent Episode Of His Podcast, “Armchair Expert,” That Aired On November 3. Shepard Admitted Other Adults Sometimes View His Children As Rude Or “Completely Unruly,” He Said. However, He And Wife Kristen Bell Are Prioritizing Raising Their Daughters To Become Confident Women Who Will Not Be Afraid To Speak Up In Situations That Call For It, Like If They Eventually Work For A Boss Who Acts Like A “Creep,” Shepard Added.

“I Want Them To Be Disrespectful,” He Said On The Podcast. “I Want Them To Always Advocate For Themselves, Whether I Think They’re Right Or Wrong.”

In Fact, Raouda Recommends That Parents Rethink How They Define “Disrespect”: Simply Speaking Up And Asserting Yourself Is Not Inherently Disrespectful, Whether You Are A Child Or An Adult, She Says. Whether It Comes To Avoiding Mistreatment Or Simply Ensuring Your Needs Are Met, At Work Or In Your Personal Life, Becoming Comfortable Advocating For Yourself Is An Essential Skill That Can Lead To Greater Success And Mental Well-Being, Experts Say. 

What’s More, Parents Who Overemphasize Obedience, Discouraging Their Kids From Speaking Their Minds For Fear Of Them Coming Off As Rude, Run The Risk Of Raising People-Pleasers Who Prioritize Other People’s Feelings And Needs Over Their Own, Raouda Says. Encouraging That Mindset Can Create “A Whole Host Of Other Issues,” She Notes, As People-Pleasers Are More Likely To Grow Up To Become Anxious, Burnt Out Adults.

Encourage Respect By ‘Modeling Empathy’

Raouda Acknowledges There Can Be “A Fine Line” Between Self-Advocacy And Legitimate Disrespectful Behavior That Completely Ignores The Feelings Of Others. The Key To Raising Confident Kids Who Can Assert Themselves In Respectful Ways Is To Teach Them Emotional Awareness And Empathy, She Says, Adding That This Starts With How Those Kids See Their Own Parents Behave.

“Modeling Empathy” As Parents Is Essential When Interacting With Anyone Else, From Their Own Kids And Other Family Members To Strangers, She Says: “Being An Empathetic, Compassionate, Kind, Loving Person: That’s How They Learn.”

Modeling Those Positive Behaviors Can Start With Parents Talking Openly About Their Own Feelings And Emotions. Teaching Your Kids How To Describe Their Own Feelings In Words — “I’m Happy” Or “I’m Upset And Frustrated” — Helps Them Learn To Manage Their Own Emotions And Assert Themselves While Also Fostering Empathy For How Their Actions Might Make Others Feel, Raouda Notes. 

It’s Also Important For Parents To Apologize To Their Children, And Others, For Legitimately Poor Behaviors, Like Losing Your Temper When Your Child Isn’t Listening, According To Raouda. Doing So Teaches Your Child The Value Of Taking Personal Responsibility, While Also Modeling Empathy And Showing Them Respect That Makes Your Child Feel Valued, Raouda Wrote For CNBC Make It In January. 

“A Respectful Child Feels Respected. A Child Who Listens Feels Listened To. So Start There,” She Says.

Finally, Raouda Is Adamant That Parents Try To Avoid Forcing Children To Use Polite Words, Like “Please” Or “Thank You.” That May Seem Counterintuitive, She Admits, But It’s Far More Effective To Model Those Positive Behaviors And Trust Your Kids To Learn By Example Than To Constantly Nag Them With Reminders.

“It’s A Fine Line, But Really It’s What We Model,” She Reiterates. “An Assertive Child That Is Grounded, Knows Who They Are, [And] Can Speak Up Is What We Want. We Don’t Want Rudeness, But That Comes From Us.”