Anxiously Attached? Why You're Always Chasing Closer Connections

 

Discover what the anxious attachment style really means, how it affects your relationships, and how to break free from the cycle for healthier connections.

If you’ve ever found yourself constantly wondering if your partner really sees you, or if they’re secretly wanting to leave you, you might be dealing with the anxious attachment style. Knowing and understanding your attachment style can help you

better manage your emotions. 

We’ve discussed various attachment styles, the signs of these styles, and strategies to overcome negative attachment tendencies in yourself. But let’s focus on what this attachment style really is, why it happens, and what you can do about it.

So, What is Anxious Attachment Anyway?

It’s like having one foot in the door and the other stuck in a whirlwind. People with an anxious attachment style crave closeness and emotional connection, sometimes desperately, but they’re also terrified of pushing too hard and scaring that closeness away.

It’s a tug-of-war between wanting to be needed, wanted, and adored and fearing that, at any given moment, everything could fall apart. In relationships, this often shows up as clinginess, needing constant reassurance, or even getting swept up in a storm of doubts over tiny things that other people might brush off.

Where Does It All Come From? The Origins of Anxious Attachment

Imagine growing up in a house where your parents’ attention was either hit-or-miss, or maybe they were there, but not really there. One minute, they’re all in, loving, caring, maybe even making you the centre of their world. Then, the next moment? They’re busy, distracted, or overwhelmed with their own stuff, leaving you hanging.

For someone with anxious attachment, this rollercoaster of emotional availability creates confusion. You never knew if the love was unconditional, constant, or something you had to earn by being perfect.

And let’s not forget the other side of the coin: maybe you grew up with parents who needed you, who turned to you for emotional support instead of the other way around. You became the fixer, the problem-solver, the one who had to be on their best behaviour to keep the peace.

Signs You Might Have the Anxious Attachment Style

Okay, so you might be reading this and going, “Hmm, maybe that’s me.” Here are some signs that you might be dealing with anxious attachment:

1. Low Self-Esteem

It’s like you can see the worth in everyone else, but when it comes to you? You’re not so sure. You question if you’re enough, if you’re lovable. You might even blame yourself when things go wrong, because, in your mind, it must be you.

2. People-Pleasing

Ever find yourself overextending in relationships? Doing too much for others, hoping that the more you do, the more you’ll feel loved or seen? Maybe you take on extra work or do things for people before they even ask, because you think that’s what gets you the affection you need.

3. Perfectionism

Perfectionism here isn’t about wanting to be good at something. It’s about wanting to be seen as perfect because that’s the only way you feel like you’re worthy of love. The "if I do everything right, maybe I’ll finally feel good enough" mentality. Spoiler: it rarely works out like that.

4. Fear of Abandonment

This one is big. You’re constantly bracing for the worst. Maybe you can’t stand the idea of your partner pulling away, whether it’s emotionally or physically, and it haunts you. Your mind races with “What if?” scenarios: What if they don’t love me anymore? What if they’re leaving me?

5. Difficulty Setting Boundaries

Saying “no” feels impossible, doesn’t it? Maybe it’s even harder when someone says it to you. A “no” can feel like a personal rejection, like it’s proof that you're not enough. But setting healthy boundaries is crucial for your emotional survival. But it takes practise.

6. Sensitivity to Others’ Moods

You’re like an emotional radar. You pick up on every shift in your partner’s mood, and if something’s off, you take it personally. Even a small change in their tone can send you into a tailspin of worry.

 

7. Resentment and Criticism

It’s not that you want to push your partner away, but sometimes, when things feel off, you fight for closeness in the wrong ways. You might find yourself criticising them, pointing out flaws, trying to fix things, all while feeling resentful that they aren’t doing enough.

8. Difficulty Regulating Emotions

Your emotions can feel like they’re on a runaway train. You’re feeling everything, sometimes all at once, and it’s tough to keep it together. When your partner withdraws or doesn’t respond in the way you need them to, it can feel like you’re being triggered into full-blown emotional chaos.

How Do You Break the Anxious Attachment Cycle?

You might’ve been living in this anxious attachment pattern for a long time, but that doesn’t mean it’s set in stone. The first step is understanding it. The second step? Compassion for yourself; this attachment style protected you in the past, but it’s no longer serving you. So, here’s how to start shifting toward a more secure attachment:

1. Feel Your Feelings: But don’t let those feelings run the show. Take a deep breath and check in with yourself. Acknowledge what you are feeling, then communicate it in a non-emotional way, when the situation isn’t heated.
2. Self-Love: You do not have to wait for the world to tell you your value. You can start by validating yourself. Tell yourself that you are enough, even if the world disagrees with you.

1. Learn Boundaries: Practice saying "no" to others (it's hard, I know). Realise that just because someone else needs something does not mean you must provide it. Set boundaries for your own space and energy.
2. Ask For What You Need: Do not expect your partner to know what you need. This is where vulnerability is very powerful. Ask your partner without making them feel like they are not doing their job.

Loving Someone with Anxious Attachment

Having an anxious attachment style in your relationship? Learning what your partner needs can be the game-changer here. They are not trying to hold on to you for the sake of it; they need connection, reassurance, and feelings of safety. Here's how you can help:

1. Be Consistent: Offer reassurance. A little goes a long way. Be there when you say you will.
2. Speak clearly: If it’s not right, say it. If you are busy, tell them. They have to be comfortable around you, no matter what’s going on in your life.
3. Teach Vulnerability: Teach them to ask for what they need and not be afraid of rejection.

Anxious attachment doesn’t define you. It’s a pattern you learned to cope with life, and it’s something you can unlearn. With a little self-awareness, patience, and the right mindset, you can move towards a more secure attachment style, where your relationships aren’t governed by fear, but by trust, love, and stability.

 

 

Credit: Pulseng